empty the well

A tiny little gremlin has stolen into my head and completely removed my ability to write.  I used to be unable to avoid writing.  Now I have all of these thoughts that simply refuse to cooperate and get in line.  They fly around like crazy little metaphors, bumping into each other and falling flat to the ground.

Which is fine.  Except that the desire to write is still there.  And that’s hard, because every time I sit still long enough to write anything, I turn out nothing, which all leads to a mounting feeling of frustration and dissatisfaction.

I have something akin to Phantom Writer–I still feel it, but it’s not there.  Or, like, Erectile Writer Dysfunction.  I think I want it, but once I’m in there, it all goes to shit.

Meh.

SUBJECT ONE- THE OUTSIDE

How tall are you?

5 foot 8.  Did you know that’s considered the bare minimum for professional models?  I remember wearing that number like a badge of honor back when I was really young.  Like that’s all it takes.  Start tossing those dolla bills at me, bitches.  I’m five eight.

What is your best physical feature?

My husband says I have good shoulders.  (That’s like saying I have a nice personality, I think.)

Did you ever have braces?

I challenge you to name a piece of orthodontia I didn’t have.  Result: straight teeth.

On a typical day you are wearing?

Jeans.  Tank top.  Barefoot.  I’m kinda dirty like that.

When you go to bed you’re wearing?

Your boyfriend.

How often do you exercize?

I’m not a fan of intentional exercise.  I don’t do the gym thing.  But I live a pretty active life.  I think I get a fair amount.  A side effect of not having a car.

SUBJECT TWO- MUSIC

Name two of your favorite bands.

The National; The Airborne Toxic Event

Name two songs you currently love.

Terrible Love; Innocence

What are the preset stations in your car?

Better question: where’s your car?

Name one band you’re embarrassed to like but do?

Probably The Airborne Toxic Event.  They’re the poppiest thing I listen to, by a long shot.  The lead singer seems to be pretty damn dorky.  When I last saw them live, he bopped around the stage like a middle school boy.  So eager.  You definitely got the sense that he was never really getting laid on the regular until he picked up a guitar, you know? Some of their songs make me cringe.  That being said, he’s a hell of a writer.  I love the string section.  And I’m going to see them again in a few weeks.  Who knows, maybe the lead singer got more jaded.

If you could only attend 1 concert ever again, it would be?

I’ll tell you what–I’d trade in my U2 shows for some of the kickass no-name college bands I saw in a heartbeat.  Let me see the pretty boy on stage with the guitar.  I’m paying for eye contact, folks.

Name one band or singer you absolutely can’t stand?

Neil Young.  See also: Rush.  Also, if you have a dollar sign in your name, I’m not really interested.

SUBJECT THREE- MOVIES and TELEVISION

Name your favorite television show right now?

My husband and I are rewatching old Curb Your Enthusiasms.  It’s not always good, but when it is, it’s fantastic.

Your favorite canceled television show?

My So-Called Life when I was a kid.  Hung as an adult.

Name 1 movie you wish you hadn’t wasted time and money?

I accidentally saw a Nick Cage flick in the theater once.  I didn’t pay my taxes that year because I felt so owed.

SUBJECT FOUR- WORD ASSOCIATION

coffee-

Wait.  What am I supposed to do?  Write four words?  Okay.  Coffee.  Morning.  Strong.  Hot.  Yermom.

dog-

Drooly.  Smelly.  Goofy.  Yermom.

slut-

Yermom.

candy-

pole-

ocean-

I just decided I couldn’t do any more of these.  These suck.  It feels like a psych eval.

SUBJECT FIVE- WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?

Eaten by a lion OR Eaten by thousands of small insects?

Lion.  Easy.

Skydiving from a plane OR Bungee jumping off a bridge?

Plane for 3000, Alex.  I’ve been known to jump from bridges, but I don’t want a cord attached to me when I do it.  The water is kind of the best part.

A trip to Europe OR a trip to Hawaii?

Hawaii, please.  My husband always mocks me for it, but I’ve told him that we’ll have to see the rest of the entire freaking world before I step foot in Europe again.  Nothing against Europe.  It’s just not my area of interest.  I like loin cloths and banana trees and dirt and shit.

Sex without love OR love without sex?

Ummm.  Uhhh.  I know what I’m supposed to say here, if that counts.

SUBJECT SIX- THE LOVE LIFE

Are you currently in a relationship?

Yes.

Are you currently looking or interested in someone?

Not really.  It gets so awkward.

Are you a virgin?

Yes.

If yes, how long do you plan to be one?

That’s cute.  Hey kids, bring a condom just in case, ok?  Sometimes things get a little out of control.  I’ve known promise rings to turn into sex toys.

How many times have you been in love?

Like it’s just this identifiable thing that you’re either in or not.

Biggest turn offs include?

Remember that Seinfeld where he said that something like 97% of the population is undateable?  That.  Stupidity.  Arrogance.  Racism.  Classism.  Small-mindedness.  Lack of artistic tendencies.  Illiteracy.  Rich-boy syndrome.  Whininess.  Pettiness.  Giving too much of a shit about what you look like.  Not giving enough of a shit about what you look like.

Does anyone have feelings for you right now that you don’t return?

I try not to flatter myself.  Or delude myself.

This is a really interesting article.  It sums up rather succinctly what lots of us have known for a long time: that the gaps of knowledge in the world of mental illness are vast and can have grave consequences on treatment and outcome.  This article asserts that we’ve come at the thing from the wrong perspective entirely.  That we’ve been so focused on diagnosing from a set of symptoms that we’ve lost our way in even trying to understand why some people struggle and what the biology of those struggles might look like.  (And worse, that there’s long been evidence that we’re going in the wrong direction, but that we keep on plodding along anyway.)

This is interesting for me as a social worker.  In grad school, we used to quiz each other by giving a list of symptoms and having the other person name the disorder.  It’s fun to pretend that mental illness (and thereby mental health) fit into these smooth, clean little boxes.  The truth seems to be that what we call one thing may well be something else.  And two things that seem to have nothing to do with one another based on how they present?  They may actually have more in common than we thought.

I know that, as with all things, we work with what we’ve got, but damn.  The older I get, the more lacking this model feels. And the more time I spend on the other side of that desk, the more I can see how devastating it can be to be treated under this framework.  What looks like clinical depression to one person might look like bipolar I to another.  Or bipolar II to another.  Or a thyroid condition to someone else.  Maybe it’s just PMDD.  How you feel at the moment you’re being evaluated determines your outcome as much as your choice in who you decide to be evaluated by.  There are no hard and fast rules.  There is very little science behind it.

They won’t put a cast on my leg before giving me an x-ray to make sure it’s broken.  But they’ll start me on Depakote (which causes seizures if stopped abruptly) without being sure I have bipolar disorder.

So you treat your various diagnoses with hormones that make you bitchy, SSRIs that make you drool, anticonvulsants that, oddly enough, can make you convulse, herbs that cause eye problems and pick-me-uppers that send you into mania.  And you do this all at a time when you are feeling at your lowest and least capable.  Which is why you made the appointment in the first place.  Nobody told you that you’d need to pick up the phone long before your reserves actually ran out.  You keep trying different things, because nobody knows for sure what’s going to work.  And when something does happen to work?  Nobody can really explain why.

It, my friends, is an imperfect science.

I deleted six more paragraphs following that one up there, because I was going around in circles without really knowing what my point was.  (Which diagnosis is that?)  I guess I just really wanted to share this article.  It struck a chord with me, having been both the practitioner and the client.

I can’t tell if this article makes me want to race back into the field or run screaming away from it.

What are your thoughts?

Was there anyone who “made your day”?

My daughter has a tiny Japanese friend who is really sweet and smiley.  Although it’s undoubtedly racist as fuck, this child makes me love all Japanese people everywhere.  She kind of made my day.

Are you liking how you look today?

It’s raining again.  I can’t even pretend to like how I look in the rain.  I just want to wear pajama pants and a tank top and drink whisky out of a plastic Ikea cup.

Do you have anyone crushing on you?

I’m 33.  And I wear pajama pants at noon.

Have you ever eaten a bug?

Yes.  I ate termites in Venezuela.  They were crunchy.

Are you vegetarian?

Except for the bugs.  And chicken wings.  And grilled prawns.  And Publix turkey sandwiches (six inch, wheat, mayo, mustard, lettuce, onion.)

When was the last time you kissed someone?

One of my British friends just today sat me down to explain to me the difference between a ‘kiss’ and a ‘snog’.  (The word ‘snog’ is the least sexy word in the entire human language, btw.)  I last kissed someone when I tucked my kids in.  I’m not sure about the snog thing, but that sounds kind of nice.  So long as he doesn’t want to talk or anything.

When was your last paycheck?

July 2006.

Are you closer to being rich or poor?

If we’re looking for global perspective, I’m rich.  Given that I’m typing on a laptop that I own and my belly is full of cheap white wine and chips.  On the other hand, I spend about three hours a day slapping mosquitos at a bus stop.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Yer mom.

What was the last gift someone gave you?

Last weekend when I was being a bitch, my husband bought me flowers.  He said it seemed like I needed flowers.  My luck is inexplicable.

Do you appreciate that person?

Jesus Christ, yes.

Did you talk to anyone you didn’t like today?

I like her just fine, but I’d rather have one of those transvaginal ultrasounds than have another conversation with her.  You know how that goes.

Do you like picnics?

I fucking love picnics.  So do my kids.

Have you finished school yet?

Unfortunately.

What is/was your worst subject?

I got a C+ in Biological Anthropology.  Fucking monkeys.

Are you American?

Apparently.

Who are you voting for?

Yer mom.

Do you like Bush?

I think of Bush as a metaphor for everything evil in the entire world.  I know that makes me sound immature, but I can probably back it up.

Was his name even worth capitalizing?

Let’s not fuck with the rules of the language, eh?

What kind of mood are you in?

Manic.  Irritable.  Rage-y.

Are you waiting for anything?

Godot?

Are you going to bed after this?

Oh my god.  I totally am.  My bed is currently without sheets though.  When I complained of this to my daughter, she said, “Instead of putting sheets on your bed, you can just come sleep with me.”  It’s tempting.

McCain or Obama?

I didn’t hate McCain anywhere near as much as I hated Bush.  Still: size maternity, yo.  (Oh my god.  I can’t believe I was pregnant.  Twice.  Shudder.  Here I am, walking around when I was supposed to be on bed rest.  Because that baby in front of me?  Mine.  And at that time, probably 16 months old?  Good times.)

What book are you currently reading?

Mother’s Milk, which I’m only just now realizing is the fourth in a series.  Which may explain why I don’t give a shit about any of the characters.

Are you a very stressed out person?

yes.

How old is your mom?

really old.

Has your mom ever been on television or in the paper?

Oh my god, no.

Are you single?

Are you rich?

Did you honestly miss Melrose place?

I honestly never saw Melrose Place.  I was of the 90210 generation.  (I named my son Dylan.  Because, obvi.)

Have you ever been to world trade center?

Guess what?  Everywhere has a world trade center.  I’ve been to lots of them.  Not the one you’re talking about, though.

What is your favorite magazine?

Hustler

How many times have you gone to a foreign country?

This question is awesome.

Do you watch football sundays?

No.  And I pretty much moved my family 13 time zones away from home to guarantee that my husband never watches them either.  Televised sports fill me with more rage.

What are your thoughts on Disney Channel?

We couldn’t afford it when I was a kid.  My kids don’t know it’s a thing.  (Is it still a thing?)

Do you like Techno?

There’s a time and a place for everything.

Do you like Dr.Phil?

See above.  You know what I like best about Dr. Phil?  The fact that he, essentially, practices psychology without a license. On air.  And gets paid a fuckload more than all of the psychologists who didn’t have their licenses revoked for having had inappropriate relationships with clients.  He’s a true American success story.

Do you like Oprah?

Oprah makes me want to self injure.  With her freaking platitudes and her weird boyfriend and her freaking best-seller book club bullshit.

What is your favorite country?

Bolivia

Are the Jonas brothers cute?

I don’t know.  I try not to look at the under-eighteen set.  (are they still under eighteen?)

Are you afraid of the dark?

No.  But I’ll confess to having nightmares about alligators more often than not.