May As Well Be in a Field

When I was a kid, I was sad.  And I would hurt myself because I was sad.  So isn’t it interesting that instead of blaming shitty genetics for my kid’s problems, I’m instead looking under pretty much every other rock out there?

My new favorite way of blaming myself for my son’s problems dates all the way back to his birth.  I gave birth to him in Nairobi, Kenya.  The hospital was good.  It wasn’t like I popped a squat in a muddy field and hoped for the best.  I gave birth in modern facilities.  My son spent the night in the only NICU in the country, thank you very much.  But although the hospital was good quality, the physician was a bit of a wingnut.  I don’t know.  Maybe they all are.  I’ve never given birth in the States, so I can’t really compare it to much.  Estelah was delivered by a midwife in Abu Dhabi, so again, not much to compare it to.

I was adamant that the birth process be as natural as possible (well, as natural as possible outside of the muddy field).  I read everything I could get my hands on.  I took classes.  I did research.  I knew my shit.  I knew my rights.  I knew what I wanted.  And his birth was basically a giant clusterfuck.  It was natural; I got that.  But as they wheeled me into the general ward after his birth, I watched the cleaners come in with mops.  There was blood on the wall; the floor was soaked with it.  At one point, the doctor put his foot on the freaking bed to pull that child from my body.  If you were looking, and I’d hope that you weren’t, at my crotch while I had a bikini on, you can see the episiotomy scar, because it extends that fucking far out.

My second stage of labor pretty much refused to progress.  Baby boy was stuck in the birth canal.  Baby girl was too.  Because I had a midwife with her (maybe?) and not a doctor (maybe?) nobody batted an eye when I turned onto all fours and pushed my daughter out with little fanfare.  My doctor with my son though was a big fan of women giving birth on their backs.  Which is nearly impossible for some women to do.  So I just sat there and pushed uselessly through contraction after contraction.  For hours.  Eventually, the vacuum entered the room.  Not too much longer after that, my son did too.

I wanted a drug-free birth, and I got it.  For the most part.  As they were pulling him out, they injected something or other into my ass, in an attempt to relax my muscles and make it easier for him to come out.  The meds didn’t really kick in until he was lying on my chest, and then the next twelve hours were a blur because of it.

He was okay.  He was huge.  And kind of blue.  He spent the night in oxygen, but his Apgars were fine and we went home two days later.

We went to the pediatrician a lot during his first month.  He cried nonstop.  Non.  Stop.  He never slept.  He didn’t sleep at night, which I had heard rumor might happen with an infant human being.  But he also didn’t sleep during the day.  He howled.  My pediatrician gave me the ultimatum that I could check him into the hospital for testing or I could try formula feeding him and see if that helped.  It helped.  So we assumed he wasn’t getting milk from me, and called it a day.  He started sleeping.  I started sleeping.  The world became a brighter place.

But I wonder now.  And what I wouldn’t give to go back with what I know now.  The things I would change.  The opinions I would seek.  The things I would try.  I thought all babies cried all the time.  I didn’t know until the girl came along that they’re kind of supposed to sleep a lot at first.  He didn’t sleep.  Ever.  Was that an early sign?

So I blame myself for the following well-thought-out reasons:

1)  I was the idiot who decided to give birth in a third world country

2)  I was the idiot who insisted on a natural birth when any other woman in the world would’ve insisted on a c-section at that point

3)  I was the idiot who moved so far away from her extended family and all of her friends and therefore had nobody in her immediate world who would say to her, “Sweetheart, that baby never ever ever ever sleeping thing?  That might not be normal.  Here, let’s see what’s going on.”

4)  I was the idiot who gave birth in a country where we didn’t yet have internet at home or on a phone or, ya know, anywhere outside of dodgy cafes.  So I couldn’t Google shit like crazy to get answers.

5)  I was the idiot who so wanted for things to be normal and to get through it intact that I wouldn’t let myself wonder what if there’s something more going on here.

You don’t have to tell me that all of this is irrational.  I know it is.  And the number one reason why I know it is is because I did the exact same thing 18 months later when my daughter was born.  And she’s fine.  I hemorrhaged with her, and she’s fine.

And even if there is something I could’ve done differently, it doesn’t really matter, does it?  Because you don’t get a do-over.

I guess I’m just doing what all parents do–looking for a way to make this my fault so I have someone easy to blame.

Is This Thing On?

It has been so long since I’ve even attempted to try to want to write.  If I’m honest, the desire isn’t even there now.  I’m faking it.  For all the people who said, “Don’t be silly.  You can still write even though you’ve medicated your depression,” I can safely say, “No.  No, I cannot.”  I tried weaning myself off these meds a few weeks ago.  I could feel the urge to write come creeping back in.  Unfortunately, along with that urge was another urge–the urge to stick my head in an oven.  So the meds stay.  The lack of writing stays.  These meds cloud things for me.  They take the edge off and they make the feelings come and go without constant rumination and moderation.  I don’t get depressed.  I also don’t write.

So if I don’t get depressed, why am I drinking my feelings on the regular?  Why does it take three glasses of wine for me to put a smile on my face?  Why am I picking my skin like a dog in a crate?  I’m depressed without feeling depressed, I think.  Phantom depression.

It has been a hard, hard fall.  I haven’t shared it, because it’s not all mine to share.  But the longer I go without writing, the more drinking I seem to be doing.  I’ve got to get on a healthier track, so I’m going to write.

So I started homeschooling in August, and I immediately realized that my son had some issues with doing school work.  He found it impossible to copy from a book to a page, or to reproduce in 3D images that he saw in 2D.  I wrote down a huge list of my concerns and off to the pediatrician I went.  She referred me to a psychologist.  Several thousand dollars and many hours of testing later, we were armed with a full psychological report that indicated that my son is gifted.  He’s bright.  Really bright.  More than the sum of his parts bright.  He also has ADHD, a diagnosis that surprised absolutely nobody.  And he has dysgraphia, which is a learning disability that affects his ability to write, among other things.

The psychologist suggested an occupational therapist.  So, several thousand dollars and many hours of testing later, we were armed with a full OT assessment that indicated that my son has dysgraphia and a type of sensory processing disorder.  His controls are cranked up too high.  He doesn’t register motion the way other children do.  He doesn’t register touch the same way other children do.  He sees geometric shapes as parts of a whole, missing the whole entirely.  His aim with a ball is spectacular.  He scores higher than 97% of kids his age.  He does not miss a pitch.  On the other hand, he cannot play sports because he is incapable of weeding out unnecessary information.  He will play soccer happily for hours by himself, kicking the ball against the wall.  But if you put another player in, the variables that accompany that player overwhelm his senses and he quite literally cannot find the ball on the field.

Now apply that to a textbook.  To writing down and then solving a math problem.  Add ADHD into it.  And now add giftedness into it.  That is what we have been up against all autumn.

He also has something called a midline jerk, which means that if you hold an object in front of him and ask him to focus on it while bringing it gradually closer to his face, his eyes don’t cross the way yours or mine do.  They do, to a certain point, and then when they reach that point, they jump off to the left.  He’s missing an entire field of vision.

He also has really low muscle tone, which makes writing excruciatingly painful for him.  He tenses his entire body when he writes.  He sweats during his spelling test from the exertion.

He also has difficulty crossing his midline–using his left hand to accomplish tasks on the right side of his body and vice versa.  Which means that, during a task that requires bilateral coordination, he has to stop in the middle of his body and switch hands.  The neural pathways in his brain are not formed in such a way that he can comfortably cross his hand over his body.

He made it to seven without us knowing about any of these diagnoses, although we had lots of hints along the way.

When we originally got the results back, we had a few days of, “Holy shit, now what.”  And then we accepted them as just more descriptors for behaviors with which we were already comfortable.  So, whatever, right?  We picked and chose from the myriad options of therapies and didn’t stress out.

But in the past month, things have taken a turn towards shitfest.  Part of his sensory issues means that he is extremely sensitive.  He’s a bit of a mess socially, because he interprets every social interaction as a hostile one.  If he’s playing tag in a group and the other kids run too quickly, he kind of forgets that they’re playing a game that requires running quickly and thinks, “These jerks don’t want to play with me.”

He gets sad for no reason.  He gets really, really, really sad for no reason.  I don’t know why.  Part of it, I think, is boredom.  He requires pretty much constant attention and action.  When he has a few minutes without it, I think he gets bored and then interprets that feeling as sadness.

When he gets frustrated, he describes it as a fire inside of him.  He’s been known to extinguish said fire with clawing at his face and slamming his head against concrete.

My heart has been broken ten thousand times in the past few months.  The effects of it all are absolutely debilitating.  By the end of the day, my own sensory system is shot.  I’ve given everything I have and more so many times throughout the day that I have absolutely nothing left to give by bedtime.  My marriage is suffering.  He’s working more than ever, and I resent it.  I resent his ability to socialize with his peers, his access to solvable problems.  I wish that some of my problems felt more solvable.  I wish that I could hang up my jacket at the end of the day and be something other than what my job requires me to be.  But this is it.  This is what I do.

My son’s problems have escalated to a fever pitch in the past few weeks, and I don’t know why.  And I don’t know how to help more than I am.  I’m reading everything I can.  I’m employing techniques that sound fucking ridiculous to me, in hopes that they work.  Sometimes they do.  And a lot of time, I’m living in some weird kind of shameful, self-imposed exile.  Part of me wants my friends to know about his struggles, so that they can offer support or at least refrain from judgment.  The other part of me is fairly well versed in how cruel people can be and how easy it is to pigeonhole kids with special needs.  I don’t want people to know that he slams his head against walls, because then what chance do they have of ever knowing how brilliant he is at math or how he’s seven and reading at a sixth grade level?  I don’t want them to not invite him over because they’re afraid he will freak out.  At the same time, it’s becoming more and more likely that he’s probably going to freak out, so I guess I should warn them.

Behavioral health care is not covered on insurance policies in Hong Kong.  If you happen to sever your Achilles, you can stay in a hospital for five days, have surgery under general anesthesia and come out paying less than $10 for the whole thing.  If you are depressed or have a processing disorder, you will be bankrupt inside of a year.  It’s funny that we shelled out so much fucking money to learn how messed up my poor guy is and now we don’t have the money to fix him up.

It’s all overwhelming and lonely as fuck.  I’m sad.  I’m scared.  I’m mostly sad.  I’m frustrated.  Oh my god, I’m so frustrated.  I have shut down the part of me that feels anything about any of this.  It comes out once in awhile, and it comes out ugly and violent.  I know I need a way to turn that tap to a slow dribble, so I don’t explode.  I know we need support.

I thought having babies was the hardest thing in the world.  Wow, I was so hopelessly wrong about that.

Busy But Good

How’s homeschooling going?

Busy but good.

It’s an honest answer.  It is busy.  My business is in a bit of a flux right now, as I’m about to assume more of a share in the umbrella company running it.  I’m in the process of rebranding myself there and in need of more business in order to make it profitable in the literal sense.  I’m back to hitting the gym.  Over the past few months, my arms have lost any semblance of definition, and it makes me sad.  And, oh yeah, I’m homeschooling.  Good lawd.

Anyway, my little entourage and I have set up a homeschooling website where we can all blog and chronicle our misadventures.  Come check us out over at Step To The Music You Hear.

Have Faith In The Silent E

If you go to Google and start typing in, “Homeschool: am I” it will, in all likelihood, autofill to “am I doing enough”.  This is, apparently, the grave concern amongst homeschoolers.  And it’s one that I was absolutely sure wouldn’t plague me.  Me with my steadfast rule that children be allowed to play, that the work of children is best done in trees, with muddy knees, unsupervised.  No way would I ever think I wasn’t doing enough.  If anything, I’d presumed, I thought I’d be all, “Sigh.  Too much routine.  Let’s tear some shit up.”

And here we are, a week and a half in, and I’m kind of stressed out that I’m not doing enough.  The first few days were great.  Everything they did, I was all, “ZOMG, THE LEARNING.”  And now I’m all, “Omg, his handwriting is shit.  Why, for the love of god, does she not grasp the concept of the silent E?  I know it doesn’t make sense; life doesn’t.  Just freaking learn it.  Snac is not snake, and it never will be.”

Mind you, this is all happening in my head.  To the kids, I’m still all, “It’s cool.  Just sound it out.  Your ideas are more important than that pesky E.”

But I kinda would prefer both, you know?  Brilliant children with amazing ideas AND who get the concept of the damn E.

Here’s the issue: homeschoolers can pull off in a few hours what it takes traditional school eight hours to do.  Fewer interruptions, fewer questions, way less time spent sorting out problems all mean that if we start school by 9, honestly, we’re done by 11.

I was thinking that was awesome.

And then I saw a friend at the playground, and she was all, “Oh, is it break time?”  And I was all, “Hell naw.  We’ve been done for 2 hours now.  I mean, the boy will read another chapter of Harry Potter later, and I’ll con the girl into writing a letter to Grandma, but the bulk of it is long, long over.”

And she was all, “Oh.”

I should be strong enough to stand up to that oh.  Or to at least not interpret it in the most hostile way possible.  But if I’m honest, that ‘oh’ kind of scares the piss out of me.

Homeschooling is, at the end of the day, a risk that I’m assuming for my kids, and lordy be, that’s hard to sit with.  If I stick them in traditional school, I guess I’m still taking a risk, but it’s not much of one, given that everyone else in the community is taking the same one.  I mean, if they wind up stupid, they’ll be no more or less stupid than the kid next door.  But I’ve taken on the task of educating them.  If they wind up stupid, I’ll have no one to blame but myself.

That’s scary.

Our curriculum doesn’t teach handwriting.  I have to do that on my own.  And it doesn’t teach phonics.  And although I know my daughter can read, to be honest, I’m not sure how well.  She’s stubborn as hell and refuses to read aloud.  Soooo, I mean, what does she know?  How do I tell?  Why is it my job to figure this shit out?

And then we have the quirks.  The idiosyncrasies.  The things that, if they were public schooled, wouldn’t even get noticed, but because they essentially have one-on-one tutoring, I can’t possibly miss.  Like how my son is physically unable to copy from book to paper.  Unable.  I mean, something got wired incorrectly.  So okay, great, we’re dealing with it.  And then there’s the girl who won’t read out loud.  She loves to write.  She’ll fill up page after page, writing about lord knows what.  And really lord knows–because her spelling is so awful that I sure as hell can’t decipher it.

They say it takes a full year or two to stop comparing what you’re doing in homeschool to what you did in traditional school, to stop trying to make a direct correlation.  I guess I’m at the beginning of that process.


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